I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
what day is it and did you see me today?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
