i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
