i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
