shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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