If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
