Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
