So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
