If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
