I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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