Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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