she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it hurts more in the daytime
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
