Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
