i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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