Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
false alarm, still single
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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