i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
