I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
