Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
