The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Mom said you looked used
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
