come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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