by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
