I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ladies don't puke and tell
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
