I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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