first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
