you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
