Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
