Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
