That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
