Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
