The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
