I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
