I don't usually arrange sex via text message
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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