Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
