Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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