Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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