you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Randomize
