I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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