saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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