Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
