It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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