Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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