It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I could fuck to npr.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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