Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
