the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
