I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
