Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
