i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
