genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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