some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
