He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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