My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
