How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
