her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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